i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Mom said you looked used
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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