Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize