someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
