I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
