I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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