This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
