they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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