Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
