What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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