im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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