Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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