the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
