I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
