You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
