im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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