Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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