Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
