This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
