Someone shit on the floor
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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