I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
