so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
