why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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