i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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