It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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