why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Boobs are out for the taking
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
