help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
the day after is always just damage control
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
