....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize