She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
