You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i think i have herpe
just one?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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