The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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