her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
