my shit smells like andre
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
