Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
