I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
