If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
