Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
