we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
