you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
