I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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