No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
