the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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