i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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