I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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