Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
