just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
