I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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