I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
