That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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