i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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