i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
