u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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