I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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