i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
BRING THE BAGELS
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize