hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
