nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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