Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
