Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize