Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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