my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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