We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I need to calm my uterus...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
