Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
