Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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