Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
