hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
